Strangers become lovers

She walked into school in her crisp new uniform. The white-starched shirt and sparkling new keds. The other kids knew she was new even before she could say "Hi". Who has such new clothes mid-year, anyway?

I know what it is like to be that new girl in school. I know what it is like to be new anywhere. It is frightening to you and threatening to the rest of them. You could be smarter, better at sports, steal their best friend, snatch a boyfriend, a crush, become a teachers pet. The possibilities are endless.

But then something really interesting happens, always. It always happens when you least expect it. Someone walks up to you at the college cafe, at a friend's house party, at a work event, and strikes up a conversation without judging you, your skin colour, your sex, your background. They just want to talk, engage, get to know you. And, you realise in that moment, you are not invisible.

This complete stranger places trust in you, and you in turn reward them with your selfless love. It starts this beautiful something that can last through phone calls, skype chats, late-night drunk texts, Facebook links that go-21 reasons why your favourite movie is the best.. or, some such thing. You smile every time a song you once danced to with them on a really shitty day comes on the radio or at the club and you feel an instant warmth, like someone took you in on a cold, cold day and gave you a hug.

This stranger has now become a part of your memories, a part of your personality, a part of your food/drink choices. You did not just wake up one morning loving Rum and coke. She gave you the right proportion and you loved it. Maybe it didn't taste great but you liked it anyway because she looked so happy fixing it for you and then you grew into it. You don't know this but you and this stranger are closer than most childhood friends. Thick as thieves, you know that you can reach out to them on a day that your work/love life just felt like it was going nowhere, you are scared to discuss it with anyone else because it seems too scary to acknowledge it. But, this stranger, from their distance, through that ....typing on gtalk or whatsapp makes you feel like you are not alone.

You don't know this, but you and this stranger are the rare truth that life has offered you and your many million little 'somethings' are more meaningful than the big, grand 'everythings' you see everyday.

2am, pancakes and a Ponte

"What are you scared of?"

"Hurting", she fumbled into the phone.

There was static, a clink and deafening silence. She checked her phone it seemed like she had been cut of.

She sunk back into her bed, buried her face into her pillow. Sobbed a little.

Her phone purred like an angry kitten, the light of its screen hitting her face. Next thing she heard her door bell ring.

She rushed to it, lest she wake anyone up. She opened her door only to find him asking her again.

"What are you scared of?

"Fear of not feeling like that ever again," she managed to say and he wrapped his hand around her face. They walked to his car and drove to the nearest diner.

Perky lady at the diner walks up to them, "What will you have love? Coffee?"

Her empty eyes said nothing, she played with the salt and pepper shakers.

"What will you have sir?"

"Blueberry pancakes for her and a coffee for me."

She looked up at him and smiles.

"I am being stupid, this makes no sense. Why did I do this to myself? I should have known better. I got carried away."

"Because you had no option, this was necessary, this was painful but it had to happen. There is no other way this could have played out."

Blueberry pancakes are comforting at 2am. He was happy to see her eat even if it was like a bird. "What do you want?"

She wipes her swollen eyes. "That is a loaded question.. one without an interesting answer. I am rather unsure what I want."

"Try. Think about it. What do you want to be?”

“Me?”

“Yes, if I said you can be whoever or whatever you want to be…make a list of someone’s or something’s you could be.”

"I want to be a friend. I want to be a good friend. I want to be the best friend a human can meet. I want to be a sister. A daughter. A girlfriend. A wife. A mother. I want to be best possible version of all those roles. I want to be the person who gets called at two in the morning. I want to be you, someone who shows up at the door with a heart and ears that is just ready for whatever truth or version of it you want to let out. I want to never judge someone based on their actions or appearance. I want to understand and realise that everyone is hurting, everyone has a story, everyone has a painful past. I want to hug everyone I cherish. I want to be nice. Sometimes, I want to be naive and whimsical. Sometimes, I want to be the girl with an attitude problem, the bitchy-mean girl with sarcastic one-liners. I want to be the cool biker chick, I want to be the girl next door, I want to be beautiful—off a magazine page, I want to be someone you can leave your kids with. I want to be the mysterious one, the one who you can never figure out, I want to be the rebel without a case. I want to be a writer.  I want to be a poem, a song, a novella. I want to be the one you can’t stop thinking about. I want to be the one you never let go of. I want to be the girl who managed to walk away. The one that disappears like a magic trick like the movie Prestige. I want be Christian Bale. I want to be with Christian Bale. I want to be the reliable one, the organised one. The simple one. The one that has her life together. The girl who you think of and say she gets it and she knows what is really important, she has her priorities right. I want to be the secret keeper. The pillow. The one who dances till the end at weddings. I want to be the life of the party. I want to be the adventurer. I want to be the great big something in someone’s life.”

“I cannot believe you never told me all this before. You are so busy being everything for everyone you have forgotten to want things for yourself.”

Shouts to the perky lady at the counter, “Hot chocolate for her and keep the coffee coming for me. This is going to be a long night.”

“When you make promises to yourself that you can be everything to everyone, you are really just announcing to God and the universe, that I don’t need you. I am everything I need to be, and I am everything to everyone, so I don’t need you. I don’t need you to show up. I don’t need you to answer my prayers. I don’t need you to tell me that you miss me. Let’s be real, not needing people, and not knowing how to need people, is the saddest thing in the world.”

“But, I have people like you in my life. I don’t need more.”

“No. You are running away and using us as your mask. A mask to reflect what you want to feel. You want us to be happy because you have forgotten how to be happy for yourself. You say you want this but you are scared of receiving it. Your fear of losing it is far greater than your desire for it.”

“Yes because in the end, I circle back to where I started. Alone. Hurt.”

“That is because you never left that place. You are scared that no one will knock at your door. So you jump ship first and swim off to save the rest of the world...I can’t be all the things and neither can you. Learn to be something to a few. To remember to call that few. And cheer that few on. Stop wanting to save everyone. Wanting to stack the world upon your small shoulders and turn away anyone who tries to tell you they are here to help. You don’t know how to say— even in the smallest of small voices— please help me. Because you are too busy saving things in your large-hearted way.”

“But this is easy, its comfortable. It’s home.”

“It’s easy because you have trained yourself to not want. To not hope. To not believe. Because believing in something you can’t logically reason yourself out of is scary. Tell me this, what do you need from me?”

She wasn’t expecting the question. She didn’t answer.

He asked it again.

“As a friend, what is it that you actually need of me?”

“This. This what you are doing. A person who just stands besides me and nods as I finally catch my breath from the running and say, “I don’t understand this. I just don’t understand why this happens. And I try. And I lose. And I win. And I had it really, really good this one time and I keep trying to fumble my way back to something that doesn't exist anymore. And I am trying to pray. And I am trying to be an adult. But it is hard.”

“So ask for it. Ask for what you want. Learn to want and ask for it. Love does not have to be disappointment. And walls built up to keep you safe. Love is not the moats you built around those fairy castles. It is not basing your worth on being chosen. Love is all you ever wanted and the one thing you still feel too insecure to admit. You don’t want it. You need it. Everyone needs it. It is what makes us human.”

“Yes, but it is so complicated, it involves so many variables, so many things aligning together.”

“Don’t call it love. Create your own definition of it. If the words relationship and love scares you. Make up a word for it yourself. I call my version of love Ponte. It means bridge in Italian. A friend taught me the word and I adopted it. I find that if I can build a Ponte towards someone then we can meet half way on this Ponte and that for me is as good as any fairytale. I can loan you my word till you find your own. Build your Ponte with someone but do it together.”

The blueberry pancakes were ravished. And then it was time to go home, to move on to find her word.

Making life all about the active verbs

In Journalism school they stress on always using the active verb over the passive. As if to always stress on doing rather than to do. Something more purposeful in those words—walking, morphing, engaging, creating…I was telling someone today that I feel like I am changing. Like the old pieces of me are dry and crumbling down and making way for new pieces and perspectives. You are the sum total of all your experiences and as I get defined and redefined so are you.

I know we have all heard change is a good thing but I can admit this unabashedly I dread it. I am so happy in the warm comfort of all things familiar like old friends, books and my favourite quilt. But, change will come knocking, no matter how much you try to avoid. Sometimes, you are just where you were but those around you change and then that catapults you into change.

Now this is where you should know that it is OKAY. It is okay to want something different than what you set yourself out to want. It’s okay to fall out of love. It’s okay to find a friend different and not on your wave length as you are changing and evolving. It’s okay if your dreams are different from your husband/wife. It’s okay if your parents beliefs and ideals are not your own.

Now the scary part of change is not knowing what awaits you when you open that door. But change it demands to come in, it needs your whole body not just bits of you. Change will always come sweeping in and ripping into your life. It will want to rearrange your life like IKEA would want to your dull living room. It really is okay. Don’t be afraid if you are changing. If you are not in love any longer. If you are not passionate about someone or something. The whole thing about life is the journey and the equation of your life involves variables that come and go. Parts of this equation have to change so that new results can be met.

Just have dreams that are bigger than your tiny feet and stay on course those dreams. Once you do that learn to say ‘yes’ and ‘no’ whenever required. I am still struggling with this one. When you feel like staying, stay. When you want to run, runaway. Maybe this time leave a note.

You need to let go of all the lies the world feeds you and the biggest lie that it tells you is that you cannot become someone different if you want to be. You can and you will. I promise you that.

Accept that things will never feel or seem the same. That’s just life. You grow out of one another. Friends say goodbyes. You shut doors. Someone opens a new one. You shut it again, scared and confused. The good never lasts but so does the bad. Sometimes goodbyes bring miracles with all the heartbreak. Sometimes you need to find your life falling apart to find yourself.

Yes, it  would seem nicer if you could see the change before it rushed you into newness. But then again, there is a reason why it does not work that way.

There’s got to be a reason why I have to become someone new but I can’t know everything about that new girl just yet.  I can’t know about my new life and the person I am to become right away. It’s the process. The unknown in this process is what gets you in the end. It’s what makes your story worth telling. The surprise package that awaits you. So, maybe we should check it out? How about we open that door now?

The universe is listening

So I know I haven’t written in a while. I have missed you. I hope you have been well.

I went off the grid on a little trek up to the clouds recently and the pressure of trips that involve crazy beautiful views is you always hope that in a quiet moment a sudden epiphany hits you in an almost magical-movie-like scene. You hope that the winds gush past your face gently whispering sweet nothings, the sun is big and bright but not harsh enough to make you squint, its a warm glow and the silence of nature engulfs you, leaving you with your thoughts. But, I normally feel the epiphanies of life hitting me in chaos, a bus ride, airports, being stuck in traffic. So the calm is unfamiliar territory. I was sceptical because that is what I do. I question everything, putting everything through the sieve of reasoning.

I have always rationalised things, and loved putting things in little tiny boxes with pretty labels on them. I call it compartmentalising my life. Its a weave of very fragile networks of feelings, memories and dreams that are balancing on a thin yet taut wire of hope.

So I said epiphany or not, I am going to have fun on this trip. And I did just that. On the way back from our final trek, down the Himalayan range, we stopped and I took a short walk to pick up a few pebbles by the river to remember the trip by and was grateful for the gift of this life. I looked up and it happened. Wind, sun and can you believe it a freaking rainbow. I thought to myself in a quasi-jungian afterthought that like the river there is really no stopping what happens to you, rocks, curves and sharp edges are bound to come along, you just embrace this life, its the only one you have and let the universe in and hope it turns out okay and maybe the universe will gift you a rainbow.

I have never really been a believer of the whole universe conspiring for you-Paulo Coelho-theory. But, this year has been an eye-opener. The universe is real and it’s got one hell of a sense of humour. You know how the believers warn you-Be careful what you wish for it may come true, Be careful what you put out in the universe. Well, I cannot tell you how true that is. Everyday I spot things, signs, I meet people, get random messages that constantly take me places, rush me to thoughts that are manifestations of what my heart wants but the head nods against. It’s that dare to dream moment against all odds. Whatever has to happen will and whatever your story is, is beautiful. You want to become a millionaire, write a book, make a movie, own a restaurant, get hitched, have nine kids, have one last saucy affair, vacation in Peru. Whatever you want however big or small it is. You have to let it manifest, believe in it and let the universe take over. Caveat, the universe won't harm, so if you plan a murder or suicide or both, I doubt this is going to help much. It may, I am yet to meet a criminal/psychopath to test this theory with and I don't want to. (This is me NOT putting it out in the universe)

The more you put out into the universe the more it gives you back. It is a kind-hearted soul always listening and waiting for you to let go so it can start working and you can rest. You ask for things and hope for things but you are scared and I know this because I am just the same. The only thing standing between you and what you want is the fear you fester that it may not happen. Let go. The universe wants to help you be who you are meant to be so stop fighting it. Let it work its way into your story, because what your story is, is beautiful.

Summer's time is up

“If winter comes, can spring be far behind…” P.B Shelly is my favourite poet of all time and every time I hit a wall and things go from bad to worse, I read him. Tying up to this thought is the wonderful movie 500 days of summer. This movie is a must-watch even for the few male readers this blog garners(thank you), it is actually in the male-perspective. Joseph Gordon-Levitt character Tom is hopelessly smitten by the cute Zooey Deschanel his colleague and they both get wrapped up in a new-age, non-committal romance, until their days in the sun are over and the relationship dies. Early on Zooey’s character Summer reveals that she does not believe in love because it always ends, because “life happens”. Two words, very poignant and crucial to the plot. 
A little after their breakup, the hopeful  Tom is invited to Summer’s home for a party on her terrace and turns up flowers in tow imagining that she would tell him they are back together. Marc Webb creates a beautiful split-screen moment, where he shows the reality of the evening and the expectation. This very Wes-Anderson-like moment makes for a visual treat and has since been my favourite scene in the movie.

So reality vs. expectation, what does one do? How do you react to a situation when it totally roller coasters into the opposite of what you imagined? 500 days of Summer is not a story of how Tom’s character fell in love and was left heart broken. It’s the story of how Summer came taught him something important about himself. (I won’t reveal in the ending for those who have not watched it yet)

Tom’s character is stuck writing copy for a greeting cards company in New York, while he is infact trained to be an architect, he never took it up seriously and settled for a job that helped him meet his ends. It took Summer to come, create havoc in his life, rip his soul apart and leave him in the trenches for him to realise that he needed to pick up the pieces and find out what makes him happy without her. He had to find himself. He found passion. He found beauty in buildings.

A lot of times, we get lost in status quos; of cushy jobs, comfortable picket fences, the painful hugs, the strange familiars. Leading sub-standard lives, being content without challenges, being threatened by the fear of the unknown. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why don't we aspire for something greater? 

Meeting your metaphorical Summer may not be such a bad thing, she/he will wreck you so you can build yourself up, inside-out.

Miracles are real, crazy amazing things will happen to you, and be dizzy with happiness. But, only if you are ready to feel all of these things. If you close yourself off and project a sense of fear and doubt, then you will attract all of those things.

Be your own visionary, make the cliches about success come true. Make every step count, every day, every decision, worth it. There is no one else like you. Remember this. Say no to substandard lives, say yes to amazing. Summer’s time is up, say yes to Autumn.

20 somethings

Just another day, she was driving to work, swaying her head to the music from her car stereo. She had a busy day ahead, meetings scheduled all day. Prospective clients, in-house staff meetings. Everything needed her attention. She was what they called the glue, that held the place together. She had no time to stop, breathe. But, what held her together? What kept her going?

I have secretly dreaded turning into Cameron Diaz from the movie The Holiday. But on most work days I feel like her.Barring any physical resemblance, we both presumably work round the clock, answer calls during dinner with friends, slyly text through dates, and are almost always thinking about the next big idea wherever we go...whoever we meet.. whatever we do.

A dear friend told me last night that he would trade lives with me in a jiffy. He would love to live out of suitcases, travel, be in a constant state of flux, physically and mentally. And I thought to myself why would anyone want this kind of life?

I come home with souvenirs, postcards, a bag full of experiences after every trip but then there are moments when I feel empty. I am grateful, blessed and brimming to the tip of my head with excitement at the gift of life. But, on some days I have wondered if I will ever end up having to spend Christmas alone in a strangers home like Diaz does in the movie. And, then I remember that I can be alone but never lonely. Not if I choose not to.

I was rummaging through my cupboard over the weekend and found a notebook with my favourite quotes, lines from movies, books, advertisements. And, more importantly a list of 20 something's I wrote to myself at airports/train stations/waiting for a cab/hotel breakfast’s.

1. Life is an climb, fierce, terrifying and beautiful. If you don’t climb, you don’t get the view.

2. Don’t jump off a cliff without a parachute, that is suicide. Always remember to prepare for a soft landing.

3. Be a blessing, be a shoulder to cry on, be a smile, a random hug, a surprise flower delivery, a quiet prayer, a box of cupcakes. Be the sunshine to someone’s cloud.

4. Resolutions are not once a year type of thing, make one everyday. (Lately, I have been waking up wanting/resolving to be happy everyday. To make people happy. It makes a huge difference. Resolve to be awesome everyday.)

5. Nachos will always be your comfort food, stop denying yourself simple pleasures.

6. Don’t be the kind of girl/person that is stupid and shallow. If you are smart, intelligent and have an opinion and people find you intimidating. Well, then to hell with them.

7. Confidence is sexy. It is a light that makes you appealing.

8. You are going to spend hours wanting to be someone else. But, that is never going to happen. If you don’t like something about yourself, then get up and change that.

9. Letting God/Universe work its way into your life often means you will not know what the next step is but remember the ride is worth is.

10. The ‘Good guy’ is not a myth. He exists, not in the- opening doors, telling you repeatedly you are beautiful and never calling you fat-kind of way. In the-will notice the colour of your eyes before your legs, talk to you about your long day and respect your space-kind of way.

11. The world does not revolve around you so the next time a friend asks you-How are you? reply with a-Great. How are you? And, maybe they will open up/share and vent about something that needs more attention than your dilemma over what colour to paint your nails this afternoon.

12. If you want to start something, a business, a new project, a dream. Don’t wait. Research about it endlessly. Meet, listen, read inspiring stories. Research your dream and start. If you want to be taken seriously then take yourself seriously.

13. Do not underestimate the power of positivity. If you meet a positive soul, cling to them for dear life. Let them fill your mind, your heart and soul with their light.

14. Don’t force someone to love you, force them to love themselves. They will find their way home to you once they do that.

15. Believe in rewriting endings. If you face a wall, an obstacle. Remember to tell yourself this is not the end. It ends when you stop believing.

16. Dance when the music is right. Forget what the world thinks. If you feel the groove in a shopping mall, halfway through a movie, a seated concert. You owe yourself a good jiggle.

17. If you can make someone smile, happy, laugh, forget their worry even for a second. Make it happen for them. It will make you happy inside, in the core of your blood and bones. A tingly feeling will sweep over you when you see you did someone a little good. Doing good, spreading love is so infectious. It spreads like wildfire.

18. Forgive. Yourself and others.

19. Make one random friend a year. Hone the relationship, watch it grow, fade, stumble or end. But do it anyway.  

20. Say this to someone who needs it. I don’t care who you really are, where you have been, what your deal is but I know you have scars. I can tell because I have a few of mine too. But, I want you to know that your scars make you beautiful. I am sorry people misread and judged you. If you let me in, I promise to be imperfectly perfect. I promise to turn up everyday. I promise to be there. To be. Always.

20 seconds of courage

You need just 20 seconds of courage to change your life around.

So it's Sunday afternoon, I am baking a triple chocolate brownie and the house smells amazing.
I flick the TV on and We bought a zoo is playing. It's that scene where Matt Damon is showing his two kids where he first met his wife. For those of you who haven't seen this movie Matt tells them that in life to succeed all they need is 20 seconds of insane courage and something amazing will come out of it.
 Matt saw his wife through the window of that very same diner. He was on the street and he saw her and thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world. Matt re-enacts the moment for his kids. How he stood outside looking at her, how he was nervous but then he just grabbed his 20 seconds of courage.  He just walked up to her and said excuse me and she smiled back, and he said "Why would someone so amazing talk to a guy like me" and she replied "Why not?"
Ofcourse, they got married had two kids. But, what if he chose to walk past her? He would have never had the life he did.

Sometimes, I think that we overthink things. I know I definitely do. But, just taking a leaf from this movie and what Matt had to say to his kids. I wish we all took more risks, we didn't wait. We went ahead and used our 20 seconds of courage.

Send that text, make that call, sign that contract, meet that ex, eat that cake, hug that friend, give him your number, join the random adventure trip, smile at the stranger with your favourite book, start that blog.

Matt didn't just tell his kids how he met his wife, he taught them the concept of possibilities. Why not?

Ask yourself why not? Every time a sense of self-doubt takes over. If it feels right, if your gut tells you to go with it. Go for it. I am not suggesting a completely up in the air decision. Weigh your pros and cons. But, please don't get clouded by the cons. The pros are there for a reason.

In the words of the immortal genius of U2's "Stuck in a moment" song:
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

Don't wait to make your dreams come true. Imagine this, if all the great thinkers, scientists, lovers, inventors, game changers, had all waited and walked past their window of opportunity, then nothing innovative, beautiful or life-affirming would have ever happened. Life would seize to exist as we know it. Your happiness is just a 20 second courageous moment away, go be awesome.